The Path to Self-Acceptance and Recognition of our Gifts

When we truly realize our strengths and talents we can feel whole. Unfortunately, the path to recognizing our gifts, unlocking creativity and accepting the negative and positive aspects of society and ourselves can be an ordeal. It is only by recognizing and understanding the self-destructing and/or self-defeating aspects of ourselves that we may come to accept and appreciate our unique talents. The work of Freud, Jung, Joseph Campbell, John Bradshaw and John Rushkan are all useful in unraveling the mysteries of our complex nature. Once we are aware of the obstacles we can begin the process to transform and integrate them into our being leading to self-love and self-acceptance.

We have all experienced aspects of ourselves (emotional problems, limitations, and faults) that we would like to change because we don’t like them. We might use a psychotherapist who may teach us to accept these negative feelings and conditions. By not accepting, we perpetuate negative self-destructive and self-defeating patterns. The difficulty arises because we have been conditioned to resist and fight what we don’t like, so it becomes confusing to accept anger and fear. Feelings are painful and become problematic because we do not accept or integrate them.

Suppression of feelings is something that everyone does. Avoidance of feelings also implies avoiding responsibility for them – not always done consciously, but because we lack the knowledge to confront life directly. We don’t know how to experience life fully, so that there are no lingering, unresolved energies. When we forcefully try to exclude pain from our awareness, by any number of evasive or self-defeating behaviour patterns, what we are doing is rejecting ourselves because the pain is a part of ourselves. Anger, for example does not dissolve when suppressed, but remains as forceful as when originally felt except that it is no longer in our field of awareness. Thus suppression interrupts the natural flow of energies and can be trapped in the subconscious. In Eastern philosophies the build up of subconscious forces is called KARMA.

Suppressed feelings can then manifest and create events in unsuspected ways leaving us ruled by hidden forces which at times are overwhelming and uncontrollable. We become guided by unconscious urges, which may lead to irrational, usually self-destructive behaviour. We are attracted to the wrong people, reject the right people, and become compulsive, addictive, and unreliable; all in spite of our best intentions. We accumulate unresolved energies and add to our karma.

Suppression leads to repression, which is the same as suppression except that there is no conscious awareness of the feeling or the avoidance of it. Repression is a common ailment of the modern world because we are constantly striving outwardly for happiness. Life has become anxiety driven and we lose sight of what our real feelings are – positive or negative.

Rushkan points out that these patterns of avoidance and suppression may have formed over prior existences, which often makes it easier to take responsibility for where you are at now; rather than blaming your childhood or your parents. With this perspective even family experiences become catalysts to making you conscious of what was already latent within you.

Bradshaw, however, contends that the family is essential in shaping our ability to reach our potential. Bradshaw and many others believe that we are born with natural shame that serves to protect us from unwanted access. For example, we blush when we feel embarrassed or unprotected in a social or public situation. Natural shame is our core boundary and is the foundation of our freedom, self-discovery or self-actualization. In contrast to other feelings, shame is an experience of the self by the self.

When our natural shame, which guards our privacy, is violated we can take on a false, pretend self that is shameless. Shamelessness takes two forms – we act shameless by trying to transcend our limits – we try to be more than human – we act perfect, we act arrogant, we act righteous, we act authoritarian, we act patronizing. At the other extreme, we act shameless by being less than human. We let others violate us or we violate ourselves. We become shameful failures, victims, and addicts. We become so hopeless that we lose all sense of limits and as a result we believe we are defective and flawed.

Thus Bradshaw contends that this toxic shame, whether it is righteous or depraved, prevents us from feeling whole and realizing our gifts and capabilities. It does not protect our wholeness and our identity, but instead tears them down. This can leave us feeling inadequate and forces us to be secretive about what is authentic in our lives.

Toxic shame causes us to lose face, which we must then try to save. Often to try to save face we avoid or go into hiding and live constantly covering up our pain. This can create an arsenal of secrets, which can layer upon each other developing a false sense of self. For example, if I were to let you see me as I really am, you would see that I am defective and you would reject me. I must therefore remain silent.

This shamelessness is unnatural, socially determined and learned. In Carl D. Schneider’s boo: “Shame, Exposure and Privacy” he points out that one of the main reasons that Americans have trouble understanding shame is that there is only one word for shame in the English language. In Indo-European languages there are generally two or more words for shame that differentiate between natural an unnatural shame. For example, in French, pudeur means shame as modesty whereas, honte means shame as disgrace.

How do we release suppressed energies that are creating patterns of self-sabotage and illness? We are all familiar with the feeling of being split and working against ourselves in spite of our best interest. We try to avoid negatively perceived feelings that are a part of us – like anger and fear. This stems from the concept of who we are and who we would like to be. We fight against the self-destructive qualities and thereby self-reject. By not accepting the darker side of our nature we perpetuate negativity instead of releasing it. Acceptance is no doubt a challenging task and to transcend we must integrate those parts of our lives we find painful and would like to avoid. This adds a new facet and dimension to our existence.

Integration can be achieved through a variety of techniques but the key is to practice the art of loving yourself regularly. When you perceive yourself with acceptance and unconditional love you open up the creative process. Make life your canvas and it will transform and shift your inner world.

Yoga, breathing exercises, bodywork, aura strengthening, affirmations, and art therapy are all examples of psycho-spiritual approaches which can catalyze healing and acceptance of the negative aspects of yourself and others. Any of this work must be embarked upon with concern, understanding, patience and nurturing. There are often periods of intensification of the physical and emotional symptoms and people become turned off. It is however, essential for the clearing of the suppressed energies and affirmation of the positive creative energies.

Remember, when you re-condition your mind-set to accept conditions, you are not resigning yourself to endure conditions that may need to be changed; acceptance means only that you have stopped resisting what your experience is now. In this way you allow growth to occur. When you resist you perpetuate the very conditions you are fighting.

We are all basically the same – we all have an unconscious, yet idiosyncratic self-negating tendencies keep us from reaching our maximum potentials. Rarely do we fully realize the higher side of our nature, the love and creative centers. Rarely, do we relate to others or ourselves directly without projecting suppresses energies. We must recognize the truth without becoming pessimistic. We are as we are because life and consciousness are evolutionary, fluid and ever changing. We are all works in progress. Our capacities only reflect our current levels of growth.

Dr. Nitin Dilwari is a Doctor of Acupuncture and Chiropractic. He also has a Masters of Science in Biology and Nutrition from Carleton University.

He integrates both Eastern and Western approaches to treating disease, pain and stress related disorders. Using a combination of natural therapies and counseling, he enables the patient to harness his/her own body’s healing power.